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So you want to be a Dom?
by Josie./France
What are you talking about? I'm a dominant, and that person is a submissive--so of course there's a power exchange relationship!
Nope, that does not necessarily follow. You do not automatically get power by being a dom; a submissive grants you that power. It's not yours by right. This is one of the basic cornerstones of consent--a submissive gives you power by consent, not by the simple virtue of being a submissive.
Not every submissive wants the same things. Not every submissive interacts with a dominant in the same way. A wise and psychologically healthy submissive does not submit indescriminately to everyone who calls himself or herself a "dom." It is up to someone to choose to give you power, not up to you to take it.
And you're not likely to get it if you walk around demanding that every submissive you see worships you.
Nobody has an entitlement to that kind of automatic submission, Your Worshipfulness!
First, get to know that person, even if briefly. Then, mutually decide whether and what kind of power relationship you have. Then, and only then, can you start with the giving orders.
Seriously. You don't get to call the shots to every submissive who talks to you, and you don't get to assume that every submissive who talks to you is submissive to you.
Okay, okay, I get the point. Now what?
The next part to understand is that, as a dominant, it's not your job to do whatever you want. It's your job to do whatever you want within the bounds of basic common sense and the limits negotiated with your partner. Now, "basic common sense" is subjective and contextual, and changes with your degree of acceptable risk, your experience, and so on, but regardless of all that, a lot of the stuff you read about in bad S&M fiction? Way outside anyone's definition of "basic common sense." Ordering your newfound submissive to have unprotected sex with a pub full of strangers? Not basic common sense. Digging that eight-foot bullwhip you've never actually used from the back of your closet, and trying it out on a person who's never experienced any form of pain play before? Not basic common sense. Dragging your new partner home and leaving your new partner tied to your bed for three days? Not basic common sense.
Even within the realm of basic common sense, it's important to understand that it isn't all about you.
Of course it is! I'm the Dom! The Dom does whatever he or she wants!
Um...no.
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